You wonder how you got to this point. You look around and realize you're surrounded by kids, dishes, responsibilities and you realize that your relationship with your spouse has become functional. Yes, you're a well oiled machine and you've literally mastered "divide and conquer," but then you realize that you don't even remember what life was like when you came home from work excited to re-connect with your spouse. You can't remember how it felt to snuggle up at the end of a long day and talk to each other like you did when you were dating.
You are not alone. I work with many couples who realize that somehow, in the craziness of life, they've gone from sharing their lives with a partner that they love, they used to laugh with and have a good time with, to living with a roommate. It starts something like this...You get married and things are going well. You're happy, you feel emotionally connected, you come home from work and take walks together. Then, somehow you realize you're looking back on your life and wonder where that loving, caring partner went. The change happens slowly at first. Maybe you have kids or a demanding job. Gradually, over time, you realize that you're not sharing as much with each other because you're too tired from wrestling the kids to eat their dinner, take their baths and go to bed. Or, maybe you find yourself working late and when you come home you're too tired to even eat - all you want to do is zone out and go to bed. Then, it happens again the next day and that becomes the next year. You realize you've grown apart and don't even know how to connect with each other again. All of your attempts to reconnect are interpreted by your spouse as criticism or complaints. They don't hear the longing in your words, the unmet needs behind what you're saying. You feel hurt and rejected because your spouse doesn't understand you and it doesn't seem like they're even trying to work on the relationship. It also occurs to you that you haven't had sex in a long time and don't even feel desired or wanted by your partner and that triggers feelings of resentment, which are fueled by the distance and lack of emotional connectedness.
At this point, you wonder if the relationship is even repairable. You don't have sex, you don't even talk to each other anymore and you begin to feel like you're all alone. It seems like your friends all have loving, caring relationships and you're struggling to figure out what you did wrong, what can be done to fix the relationship. You feel ashamed and don't want to talk about it with your friends because, of course, they have the perfect relationship. Maybe you decide to reach out for help but you're not sure who to call. How do I find a therapist that can help rebuild and repair the relationship - is that even possible anymore?
If this common story about relationships hits a tender spot in your heart, please know you're not alone and that there is hope! Relationships can be rebuilt and repaired. For many couples, it begins with that first appointment in a therapists office. In therapy, you'll work towards rebuilding that emotional attunement to each other. You'll develop the tools to work through your hurt feelings and resentments so that you can once again return to a relationship that supports you and your needs. One possible starting point for you after you finish reading this is to turn off Netflix, put down the cell phone and begin asking your partner questions about their day, their life and their stressors. While this isn't going to solve your problems instantly, it begins to rebuild a foundation based on a general interest in each other's lives which becomes fundamental in letting go of the past and embracing a healthier relationship. Then, try to remember that when your spouse says something that sounds like a complaint or criticism...they are trying to share their needs with you. If you can hear those things as attempts to connect in a positive way rather than ammunition for the next argument, you've begun to make the kind of progress that can help transform your relationship.